Love vs. Idealization
Are you in love with a person, or the idea of a person?
You're not in love with them, you're in love with the idea of them, a version you've built in your head, not someone you've actually met.
When we communicate with someone primarily online—through text, email, or even short phone calls—we receive very limited information. We see their curated photos and read their carefully crafted words. Our brains, in a natural attempt to form a complete picture, fill in all the missing pieces.
The problem is, we often fill in those gaps with our own hopes, dreams, and desires. We create an idealized version of the person—someone who is perfectly compatible, always understanding, and free of the normal flaws and complexities of a real human being.
The Feeling is Real, The Person May Not Be
- Scammers are Mirror Experts: They are skilled at "mirroring"—reflecting your own personality, interests, and desires back at you. If you love dogs, they love dogs. If you're spiritual, they are too. This accelerates the feeling of a "soulmate" connection because it feels like you've found a perfect match.
- The Fantasy is Addictive: The emotional high from interacting with this "perfect" person can be incredibly powerful and addictive. It's an escape from the complexities of real-world relationships. Scammers know this and use it to build intense emotional dependency quickly.
- Lack of Real-World Data: The idealized person in your mind hasn't been seen handling stress, getting annoyed in traffic, having a bad day, or disagreeing with you on something trivial. You are in love with a character who has only shown you their best (and likely fake) side.
Questions for a Reality Check
It's not about doubting your feelings, but about questioning the foundation they are built on. Ask yourself honestly:
- The Perfect Illusion: Do I know about their flaws, annoyances, or past mistakes? Or is everything perfect? Real people have bad days and make mistakes.
- The Conflict Test: Have we ever had a real disagreement? How did they handle it? Did they get defensive, dismiss your feelings, or work through it? A lack of any conflict is unnatural.
- The Mundane & Silly: Do you know their weird quirks? Do they have a goofy laugh, snore loudly, or have terrible morning breath? Do you know what they eat for breakfast? A real person is made of these small, imperfect, everyday details—not grand, romantic gestures.
- Real Life vs. Fantasy: Is our connection based on shared, real-life experiences (even small ones), or is it built entirely on future promises and fantasy scenarios ("one day we will...")?
- Validation vs. Personhood: Am I more in love with the constant attention and validation they give me than with who they might be as a complex, flawed individual?
- The Durability Test: If they suddenly stopped being "perfect"—if they got sick, lost their job, or just became grumpy and annoying for a week—would the connection still be there?
Key Takeaway:
Recognizing that you might be in love with an idea is not a failure. It's a sign of a hopeful heart and a powerful imagination—qualities that scammers prey on. The goal is to channel that hope towards connections that are built on reality, transparency, and shared, lived experiences, not just words on a screen. A genuine partner wants to be known for who they truly are, flaws and all.